I'm on the verge of blogging again!!!!!
I have to first off thank all of you who actually read this blog and for the kind words from many of you asking me to continue. 2014 has started with a bang and I am feeling better than I have in a very long time. Optimistic, healthy, clear-minded and ready to move forward. It is on that note, that I pick up this blog.
So where the hell do I start?
I figure the easiest thing is to make this a simple and basic update. This will just fill in some of the gaps and wipe the slate clean for the next time I tell you what a-holes my teenagers are..
If you're new to this blog, welcome. And yes, I did just call my kids A-holes. But just the teens, so it's ok.
Anyway...I think it was hard to come back here after I lost the baby because the last entry before this as the story of that horrible day. In fact, if I'm honest, everything got really hard after the baby died. I felt off-track and couldn't seem to find my footing anymore. Furthermore I was so angry with Mark that he never even came to the hospital and that I lie there bleeding the way I did for hours without a soul at my side. It's still a sore spot when it comes to Mark, but we really only have two choices when things like this arise, right? Dwell in it or move on. I can honestly say I did both. I lived a life that waxed and waned between self hatred and self pity and I began drinking too much again to medicate myself from everything I was feeling. This I am not proud of, to say the least, but if you know anything about reading this blog it's that I am honest. I feel like there is no point in writing it if I'm not, and I also know I am not the only woman who has ever felt utterly lost and ready to run and hide during what should be the prime years of our lives.
The come-back was slow. I delved into meditation and church as well as lots of therapy. The totality of the years alone in Chicago, the struggle to feed my children and get them healthcare, the loneliness of not having Mark, the loss of my beautiful home and at last the deep sadness that the baby would never be- had a strong hold on me. I know that awful things happen to people all the time, many of which are so much worse than this, but this was my reality and I was a very dark place once again.
There were 3 major events that helped change the direction I was facing. 2 of which I really don't want to share despite my transparency. They aren't important, but they are still wounds that need healing so for personal reasons I would just rather let those almost-sleeping dogs lie. The third event was a much more positive change in my life and is going to be saved for the topic of a future blog....
So now let's get to the family. I don't even know where we were with everyone so I will just rattle off the happenings.
Ashley lives in Oakland with my grandson, Cian and is a barista at a little mom and pop cafe called Barkada. She is dating a total asshole, but I think it's over and couldn't really be happier.
Taylor has been all over the place. He was living with us a year ago for a time, but the extreme political views and constant put-downs really made things difficult. Mark threw him out and he went to Fremont to stay with friends. We didn't speak for a long time and once again he resented the shit out of me. As usual, I took this quite personally. I can't say when it happened or what exactly it was, but he reemerged slowly into my life. He now lives here once again and has for at least 6 months or more. He has honestly been very nice to be around. The political rants have died way down and... guess what??? He got a job!!!!! Ashley hooked him up with work at Barkada washing dishes and he has since moved into a front of the house position. It's not college, but hey...
Winnie is doing great at the Oakland School for the Arts. Her emphasis is Literary Arts and she excels at it. She is a singer/songwriter and plays shows all around the Bay Area. If you are friends with me on Facebook, you already know what a talent she is. If not, here is a sample of the music she writes:
Taren has officially become a tween. She is sweet and sensitive, but also emotionally driven and sometimes really difficult. Mark and I are very aware that she is going to be the hardest teenager so far. Yay, us!
Declan, Shaylon and Camber are amazing little turds. All boy energy! They love video games, light-saber fights and beating the hell out of each other.
Blue is right there with them, but because of his special education needs, I thought I would elaborate on him a bit. Blue started school this last year at Woodstock Child Development Center to help with his Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). The intervention has been life changing and we really feel that Blue will lead a very normal life down the road. He still suffers from night terrors and an inability to transition easily, but all of these issues are vastly improving. So much so, that I doubt he qualifies for Woodstock next year. This means I have to start looking for a preschool that can accommodate his needs. The other night he sat down next to me with a pen and paper and said "How do you spell my name?" I didn't think a whole lot of it and said "B-L-U-E". He then presented me with this:
I truly had no idea he could do this. I have been so focused on getting Camber to read and write (because he is struggling) that it never dawned on me to start helping Blue. That needs to change.
As for Mark, he is the same awesome husband he has always been. I know I said earlier that not being with me for the miscarriage still hurts me, and it does. But that was a moment. This is a marriage and it's going to have its ups and downs. He is doing great at his job and really loves what he does. I suppose this means we will be here in San Francisco for a while. I'm getting more and more used to the idea all the time.
So let's just call it at this. I know, nothing funny or shocking today. I suppose I need to get back into the swing of writing this so today is slightly boring. But if you know my family, you know that the crazy is coming!!!
Happy new year to all of you. 2014 feels different and wonderful for me. I hope it is treating you the same!!!