Pathology called. There was nothing notably wrong with the baby. I suppose I expected this, but it feels strange to hear it. Did I want something to be wrong? Would that have made it better? Or is the fact that nothing was wrong the thing that gives me peace? There is a U2 song that keeps playing over and over in my mind. One part in particular where Bono says:
Home. Hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home. I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home. That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much
You've got to leave it behind
Every time I feel myself getting really sad I sing that part in my head and it helps. He's right. Walk on.
Thank you all for the kind words and well wishes. Your support has meant the world to me in this time. Mark deals with things much more quietly and so there is not a lot of talking between us right now. It is who he has always been and I accept and love him for it. Writing my story and sharing it has been extremely therapeutic for me. Time to walk on. I've got to leave it behind. Now, let's have one of my kids do something really stupid so I can make fun of them here!
Oh, and one last note. If you only read the very first posting of my blog yesterday (around 11am PST) and it seemed to cut the story off, it did. I had to go back and fix my settings so the story is now complete.